People have the general notion that you shouldn't make assumptions. I remember I had a high school teacher who used to stand in front of the class and say, "You shouldn't assume, it makes an ass out of you and me." (Get it? U and ME?) Well, anyway, this same teacher had a daily nervous breakdown and sometimes when we were particularly awful as high school kids can be if they sense a weaker animal, he would take his thermos and take some sort of pill--I imagined these were his heart pills or his downers (AKA Mother's little helpers) and that his complete disgust with us coupled by his pain about being stuck with us rendered him unable to cope without medical assistance. At the ripe old age of 15, I had very little pity for this man. And granted, he was a pompous, unyielding, unhappy jerk, but still. Today I have more pity for him. I know the feeling of just absolutely feeling stuck and stressed and like I just can't take it and I admit I have reached into my bag of tricks and pulled out something to make myself feel better a time or two (or 500). So even though today I see eye-to-eye with the man on his Xanax usage, I don't see eye-to-eye with him on his rigid, annoyed, self-righteous attitude. If he would have taken himself and the situation a little less seriously, if he would have seen it for what it was--a class of basically okay, probably a little bored, over-energetic high school kids in a pretty mellow time in the history of high school, maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have needed those pretty white pills. Remember, what Alice said, "Feed your head," isn't necessarily the answer, but I digress.
This saint of a man's biggest problem in my never-to-be-humble opinion was that he was wrong. You can and should be able to make a whole helluva lot of assumptions* about life, your friends, your family, your school, the place you work, the people at the grocery store and the person walking behind you in the parking structure. Your assumption is and should be that all of these people are for the most part operating with good and harmless intent. They aren't trying to screw you over or hurt your feelings, they aren't trying to make you feel bad about yourself or insult you, they aren't trying to cheat you or lie to you or hurt you. More likely than not they don't have a wish to kill you or maim you or even cut you off in traffic. The probable worst they are doing is being stressed themselves, or preoccupied with their own stuff, or at the very worst, self-centered. At their best, they are opportunities for you to have positive and happy interactions, at their worst they are just not paying much attention to you. You can and should assume some basic things about most people most of the time.
If you know someone well, if you love them and they love you, you can be reasonably sure that they are not sitting around in their quiet moments planning rude and insulting things to say to you to push your buttons. You can assume that if someone loves you they are not trying to hurt you. If they are, they don't love you. Even if they don't love you in most cases they still won't try to hurt you because they have that special thing I like to call basic human decency. Most of us have this and use it with everyone--the loves of our lives and strangers. It's basic. It's common. It's a no brainer. If you are reacting, you better check out your own heavy load of emotional baggage first. Is it you? Is it me? Take a moment and own it if it's you. No one cares and the world will be saner if everyone has an actual fuse.
Example:
Person who loves me: Random statement. (I jump at this assuming they are trying to destroy me forgetting the entire context and history of our interactions, who I know this person to be, and how I actually know that they probably meant nothing by whatever random thing they said at all.)
Me: WTF? How can you be like this to me????? You suck. (bla bla bla bla bla bla)
Fight ensues.
Possible new example:
Person who loves me: Random statement. (I jump at this assuming they are trying to destroy me forgetting the entire context and history of our interactions, who I know this person to be and how I actually know that they probably meant nothing by whatever random thing they said at all. However, before I speak I take a moment and breathe. In. Out. In. Out.)
Me: Want a pizza?
Person who loves me: Sure!
Smiles and kissing, and whatever. Fade out.
So, personal and loving connections cured, let's move on to the rest of the world. Take technology, for instance:
Why do you suppose, in this instantaneous technological input age when nothing happens without everyone knowing in about five minutes, do we feel so attacked and at risk and afraid? My theory is we know too many bad things. In the long-ago day (any day, you pick, dawn of time to 1979), people just didn't have access to things as quickly. There were printed newspapers if you lived in a metro area twice a day. There was the evening news. People didn't walk around with a device in their hand that pinged them anytime there was a possibility of a problem. WARNING WARNING WARNING--something may happen. Look out Alice, look out, look out!
WARNING DANGER WILL ROBINSON~~~~~~~~
No, we went outside, we went places sans our parents, and in fact, here is just how crazy stuff was in our day: The other night I was watching a Brady Bunch rerun (please don't lie to me, you watch it too) and in this episode Mr. Brady told Cindy she could wait for Santa alone in the mall while he went to run an errand. She was six and she told him, "Get lost dude, I got this." And she did. My Brady Bunch watching companion exclaimed, as did I, about how totally bizarre this is today. Well, news flash people, she was perfectly safe (yeah, I know it was a TV show) but, still, she WAS perfectly safe, as were you when you went outside alone and rode your bike and played in the vacant lot and all the other stuff you did where you emerged unscathed--or maybe even scathed, but scathed is part of it, remember? Cindy Brady is a representation of the collective attitudes we used to feel in this country not so very long ago. Kids were safe. That's what we thought and they mostly were.
A couple of other things for you to consider about this reality. Things just have not changed that much. Kids are still mostly safe, we just think they aren't. And guess what? All our fear and assumptions that we have to arm ourselves and prepare to protect ourselves from pillage and murder or worse are just trumped up, jacked up, scary emotions in overdrive from just plain hearing about too much bad stuff all the time. The reality is and will always be sometimes bad stuff happens to people. Kids have been occasionally mistreated at the hands of strangers since the world began.
Mostly strangers will help a kid not try to string him up from the nearest tree. So all this fear is rendering life a very unhappy place for all these kids that we scare the crap out of every day. Life was bad enough as children, don't you remember? (Just coping with the emotional chore of finding a place in the world being a kid in ideal circumstances is hard for kids.) And our parents were mostly calm about our safety. Mostly unconcerned. "Look both ways" was about as scary as it got.
My Brady Bunch watching companion and I decided that Nancy Reagan invented the notion of kids being unsafe. She invented "stranger danger" programs and DARE. She made scaring kids about their potential for sudden attack, addiction, STDs and the idea that their parents should be watched to see if they are trying to slip them a Sudafed, a government-mandated program. She made it curriculum. I personally like Mister Brady's approach. Look both ways and wait for Santa. You will be okay.
Additional theory: I took my child out of many of the DARE program activities claiming religious issues. Yes indeedy, I had a religion and it was: not to guilt and shame and scare the crap out of my child every single day at school. I taught her to not do drugs, I taught her to drink responsibly and socially. I taught her about sex and her responsibility to protect herself not only physically but emotionally. It's called parenting. I don't think it has to be curriculum.
Kids today don't have a chance. They are strung out about what can happen to them. They are sitting in front of their computers 24/7 where they have instant access to all the horrible things that are happening around the world and their parents are either scared out of their minds and overreacting by following their children around scheduling every single second of their lives or joining hands together at we-need-our-guns-so-we-can-kill-potential-murders rallys.
Additional theory: No wonder all our kids across the nation are stressed out freaks killing one another. You can't cyberbully someone if you aren't on the Internet all day. Real life bullies in real life have a far better chance of being caught because they are seen.
Remember when you didn't have something scheduled every single second? Kids like that. And no they don't get the Anarchist's Cookbook and make bombs when they find themselves without a karate class or a chess tournament to go to. They can't even get that book without the FBI tracing it and arriving at their door because of the Patriot Act anyway. (In fact, using those words in this blog in this moment probably has me on a "no fly" list. For real.) Kids chill in their unscheduled time or they play or they read or they sit in trees or they imagine stuff or they draw or they bug their sisters or they spill things or they watch TV. We did, right? What was wrong with our childhoods? I can't think of a thing really. So why all these reactionary parents derived from kids who experienced blissful peaceful, relaxing childhoods? Nancy Reagan. She is my fall guy. However, not to give Nancy a way out of this, but we all had to drink her Koolaid. We drank the Koolaid. Every time we give in to the incorrect notion that the world isn't mostly safe we are drinking more of it. A wise person once told me that statistically speaking the most ordinary outcome will be the most likely. That is just mathematics. You will be okay today and so will junior.
So here's some anarchy for you: Let's give junior some time off for good behavior. Let's assume rightly that if our kids (and grandkids) aren't in a bazillion groups and play experiences, and organized events and bla bla bla they will live and probably thank you for it. They need down time, so do we. We had relaxing childhoods. Now many of us have kids who are having kids. How did we treat our kids? What did we assume about their safety? In this case, let me tell you something, my poor old teacher was right. Sometimes assumptions do make an ass out of you and me.
Additional theory: Down time in a house with guns? You do the math. How good are your locks and how excellent is your memory and when did you last leave the iron on or the stove or forget the location of your keys? Well, then you can't possibly guarantee the safety of your kids in your house with your guns. Oh, and for all you who are gonna give me the "home invasion" diatribe, I have lived through one, yes, I talked my way out of it using my wits and someone named Jesus (universal power, whatever you are naming it). I am pretty sure Jesus was happy I didn't open up with my assault weapon even in the midst of my own assault. Did I get emotionally scarred? Yes, of course. Was it better than murdering someone and the emotional ramification of that? Ask a (insert your favorite)war vet next time you pass him on the street begging you for money you won't give him because you are too self righteous. (Answer for those who don't get the sarcasm: Yes.)
For God's sake, do something peaceful. I'm tired of yelling for peace. It's counter intuitive. So don't go to the gun rally and don't be so damn worried about yourself, your kids, or your grandkids. I think it's time to get off the reality shows and back to a reality that is more like my favorite fantasy. Mister Brady will thank you. And look both ways, hold hands when crossing and don't overuse your Xanax. Good advice in any world.
Love--
Beauty
* Assumptions are like affirmations. what we think about expands. If you think it's all good, then a lot of it will be good, if you think it's all bad, well then, you know.
