So You Hate Me Because I'm Fat?

There is something weird about being fat that people don't talk about. It's that hush-hush world of size bias. "Size bias" (the polite term for those engaged in intellectual discussion on the subject) is really just hating fat people and treating them poorly--publicly.

I am reminded of that Lifetime for Womenâ movie from a few months ago, “To Be Fat Like Me.” In this movie a young and very attractive high school girl dons a fat suit and enters another high school to film her experience for a documentary. In her previous life she was popular and attractive and had a lot of friends—basically leading a charmed high school life. As soon as she took that same pretty face and nice personality and added a hundred pounds to it her experience became extremely negative. She experienced size bias.

This movie pointed out an important truth: People just don't like fat people.

For some reason our society allows size bias. It's an acceptable form of bias. It's culturally acceptable to treat fat people as second-class citizens--to mock them, to stare at them, to not hire them, to treat them with malice and disdain, or to treat them like they don't exist. Bigotry and hatred are complicated. It's a huge subject that I don't feel like handling here today, but what I do often wonder about is why people think fat people are fair game.

I have experienced the phenomenon myself. At various times in my "fat life" I have heard things said when I entered a room of strangers or a public place. I have been laughed at and ridiculed and treated meanly. I can't decide if this sort of public harassment is overt anger toward fat people, if it's just people being unbelievably rude, or if people find the spectacle of a fat person so exceptional that they have to say something aloud (really loud) to their friends. No clue.

To be fair, I notice morbidly obese people myself. When I was 80 pounds heavier I played the "Is she fatter than me?" game and now I still notice but it's with a greater sense of empathy and understanding about what their experience must be like. I think as humans it is natural to react to anyone who is different. However, I do think that people could use more empathy when they deal with those around them who are fat or are limited in any way.

I think a reason people feel fat people are fair game is the belief that a fat person chooses to be fat. While it's true that my life has been a series of choices and some very negative choices fueled my weight gain, I would offer to anyone thinking about a fat person's accountability that it is far more complicated than that.

I feel the same way about a homeless person on the street. That person is standing there not necessarily because they are irresponsible or bad but because of a series of reactions and decisions to their life--things that happened to them, misfortune, lack of coping skills, even tragedy.

My mother used to say every time she saw someone whose plight she pitied, "There but for fortune go I."  Each of us comes with his or her own set of life experiences and coping skills. I am pretty sure we shouldn't judge and convinced we should really ramp up the kindness with which we treat others--no matter what predicament they find themselves in.

One benefit of losing weight and something I have seen change with each pound of weight loss is that people are nicer to me. I am sure it's a combination of things--and trust me I have thought long and hard about this: First, people are nicer to people who are more attractive. That sounds like a generalization, but I am convinced of it. Secondly, people who feel good about themselves expect to be and are treated better than those who do not.

So no matter what your personal situation--thin, average, overweight or obese--think about a few things the next time you see a fat person. What are they facing? What sort of personal challenges do they deal with daily? How can you be a little kinder to them? How can you level their playing field in that moment and help them to feel like it's okay for them to be there?

Who knows, they may have just lost 80 pounds and are well on their way toward personal success.