Well first of all, this was completely classless and lacked any compassion and kindness and anything I could call "having a soul." It was an extreme example of the universe showing someone to be a complete asshole. The thing I have to wonder is, why? Why do people do things like this? Why are people so fooled about each other, and if they aren't fooled and there really was some context of love and good feeling there, why does a break up give anyone this sense of free reign to attack? The whole thing was like watching this woman slam into a brick wall of pain--except she didn't do it to herself, she just trusted someone who brutalized her. It was horrible to watch and we have all been there--I certainly have.
As humans we get terribly attached to each other. In love relationships we allow our partner to define us in some way. We let them into the most intimate parts of our being. We reveal ourselves on every level, and we put it all out there for them to (hopefully) love. In the case of doing this with someone compassionate and kind, even an ending has the potential for dignity and love and basic decency. But when someone misjudges their partner as being kind and then comes to find too late in the day that they were simply being "nice" while they were involved in the chase, the potential for disaster seems imminent and horrifying.
Watching my girlfriend go through this, I remembered the times this has happened to me. It is impossible for people involved in romantic love relationships to not have a yin and yang sort of give and take whereby they impact each other. Women especially create some level of their physical and sexual and feminine selves for and based on the reaction of the men they love. Women try to look good for the men they love. Men do this too. Everyone wants to be wanted by the person they adore--and wanted in every way. Victoria's Secret makes a billion dollar industry out of this need to be not only loved but physically adored by one's romantic partner.
So, as I sat and listened to my friend tell me of the hostility and brutality of her recent breakup, I offered to her that he didn't have control over her self concept and that her beauty was not defined by him. This is one hundred percent true, except it isn't. People in love, people who are in love and intimate are in a complicated give and take where they both affirm and embrace each other, where they adore and are adored, where they allow their partner to have an impact on their emotions--and thus, they give that person an intense power. The power to "complete" them and the power to wound them too. Is it wrong? No. Can it be incredibly destructive? Oh, yes.
I have been thinking about this a lot since we met for coffee the other day. I have been thinking about how it kills me to see my dear friend in so much pain and that all my platitudes (while true) about self-concept and personal power are not the whole picture. We give that special someone power over us. Power when they are given the key and let inside the Secret Garden. There is always a chance that the person whom we give a key uses their power unwisely. And that is when we must as individuals take back our power.
But that doesn't mean that there isn't that one special person who will never misuse their power (and it doesn't mean that lovers can't wound each other and recover and continue to love, perhaps even more deeply). But when people say they are looking for that "one true love" I believe they are saying they are looking someone they can trust completely inside their soul. There isn't a woman on the planet who isn't moved by the Carly Simon song lyric: "Hold me in your hands like a bunch of flowers." There isn't a woman on the planet who doesn't truly hope that this is the way she feels when she finally opens her soul to another being.
Whether a love relationship or not, we all have to be careful who we let in. The emotional lines between two individuals in relationship are always drawn in pencil.
I hope with all my heart that my friend will be alright. I have seen depression and I know it is nothing to mess with, and that a good friend can't assume their dear friends are okay, no matter what. That assumption is fraught with risk. People who care for each other need to be aware of each other's emotional health and safety. We need to watch our friends to make sure they are okay, we need to be aware of the pain of our loved ones. We must never assume people survive their break ups and flourish without loving hands and hearts helping them up.
Certainly to this man I would say he has done something truly evil. Sure, most people pass it off as an angry break up, but at what point are people responsible for how they hurt those who love them, or how they hurt anyone at all? I believe at every point. Compassion and kindness are part of everything to be valued in human interaction--beginnings, the long and sometimes troubled road of day-to-day existence and yes, even endings. We must always take care of each other. No matter what.
The Right Thing to Do- c. Carly Simon--all rights reserved
To my friend I wish an understanding of her own preciousness. I wish that for us all.
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